Vulnerability -- (Self Absorbed Blog Post Warning!)

This evening I handed in a paper that has been due since December 2005. I feel discontent. Perhaps this is a typical symptom of Type-A personalities who write philosophy papers, or who regard themselves professional students. In some ways I feel like my writing improved over the course of the last six or seven weeks. But I had much higher ambitions for this paper. It just would take too much work--too much time and energy that I do not have right now--to take it to level I imagined.

I am missing two conference deadlines as we speak. One is for grad students only--I'm not sure if I'm eligible for it anyway since I'm not enrolled in any credit hours this semester. The other is not for grad students only--which probably means that I would have even less chance of getting a paper accepted there. But the reason I am missing the deadlines is because I don't have anything ready. I had dreams of submitting the aforementioned paper I turned in this evening, but I think it is all I can bring myself to do to give it to the professor and ask for a grade. (I am so scared I will get a B or worse for the course!) There is at least one other paper I would like to submit, which I was encouraged by a professor to submit for publication about a year ago. It is not really ready for submission, though--one of the sources needs updating (I did not have access to the second edition of a book I was using), and I need to write some more (a transitional passage added here or there would be good). After turning in the other paper this evening I just didn't feel like I had the energy or drive to do any real work on this paper.

Ah, maybe I'll e-mail it in anyway in the next hour. I'll let you know.

Those of you that know me probably will not be suprised that this is the content of my thoughts...as I said, type-A personality. I can find so many ways to self-criticize right now...laziness, self-absorption...

I just want to go home and rest--to have no worries or responsibilities. I spend too much of my time longing for that state of being! I don't really want a life with no responsibility. I want to mean something to people.

I wish I could just teach for the rest of my life, without any other performance pressures. I am fairly consistently confident about my teaching abilities. At least I get to tutor tomorrow.

As I get ready to publish this post, I notice my automatic signature. Peace. That sounds nice.
------

"He Himself is our Peace." (Eph 2)